Do you want to fit in with the status quo? Do you want to walk the safe and conventional path through life? Don’t feel bad. You are far from alone. In fact, you are a part of a great majority. If you’re comfortable with an unremarkably average life, then this article is just for you. Here then are seven easy and effective ways to leverage remaining unexceptionally ordinary in an overly-conventional world.
1. Fear change
Change is scary, so it’s best to avoid it. Otherwise you stand out like a sore thumb. Do not stand out like a sore thumb! People will consider you weird. You won’t fit in. People will laugh at you. Never read more than one or two books, preferably a “holy” book passed down through the ages. Don’t be vulnerable. Be invulnerable, like a tank. Don’t let anything in. Be blissful in your ignorance. Knowledge is pain, and pain sucks. Go with the flow of societal norms, even if it seems wrong to do so. Don’t worry, be happy. Ignore those few people who have the capacity for real change; they will only rock your all-too-comfortable boat. Lean back. Crack open a beer. Forget about the so-called “wrongs” in the world. You “earned” this. Easy!
2. Don’t question authority
Never be the voice of dissent. Dissention equals discomfort, and nobody wants to be uncomfortable. The chain of command is there for a “reason.” Follow any and all orders even if they don’t feel right. Fear new ideas. New ideas could lead to change, and things are just right the way they are. Believe in and actively defend “that’s just the way things are” because we couldn’t have gotten this far as a species without doing something right. When it comes to your country, be unapologetically patriotic. Just because you’re unexceptional doesn’t mean that the country you were born into isn’t the greatest country in the world. Support war when it is popular and simply ignore it when it’s not. Easy!
Besides having perfect credit, money is everything, right? Finance as many things as possible. Own, and use, a plethora of credit cards. Run up as many bills as possible. Be a reliable consumer. Be materialistic. Everything has a price. Nothing is free. Buy a fancy car. Mortgage a fancy home. Live outside of your means. Just make sure you pay it all back slowly with an exorbitant amount of interest using slave wages you grinded out at a meaningless job.
Being a proper member of society requires that you worship money, just as it requires you to worship those who have money like they were God. Worship away. For things to remain the same it is essential for money to be the thing that makes the world go around. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get your hands on some of it and you too can buy your way into “happiness.” Easy!
4. Get a normal job just like everyone else
Go through the nine-to-five motions of the daily grind. Be a glorious cog in the profit-at-all-costs clockwork. It’s what keeps things running “efficiently” after all. Find a “secure” job that will last you the rest of your life. It will probably be boring. You will probably hate it. But so what? It will pay the bills. No worries. Attend useless meetings. Pander to uppity bosses high on false power.
Don’t rock the boat though. When things go right, take credit. When things go wrong, turn the other cheek. Just get through the damn day! There’s a fine domestic meal paid for by the blood, sweat, and tears of your life waiting for you at home. Go and gorge yourself. You “deserve” it. Easy!
5. Don’t travel
Stay close to home. Beware of all borders; there may not be actual lines drawn in the sand, but they are very real. Fear what’s on the other side of them. Be paranoid and xenophobic. Don’t wander too far. I mean, those who wander are probably lost, right? Who needs a life of unconventional travel? You have everything you need right there at home. You don’t need some alien culture influencing you.
But, if you’re feeling really brave, and you want to make it seem like your “cultured,” go to Mexico, or England, and then come back and tell everyone about your amazing cross-cultural experiences. People will “ooh and aww” over how “refined” and “cultivated” you are. Warning: make sure you stick to fancy resorts and “safe” places like Burger King. Easy!
6. Jump through any and all cultural hoops
Besides getting a crappy job and moving up the chain of command like a good little soldier, make sure you jump through all the hoops demanded of you by your culture. Even if those hoops seem parochial, or outdated, or just plain stupid. Our forefathers were brilliant people, and there’s nothing new under the sun (see #2). Go to church. Pay your taxes. Get insurance. Also, only go to school because you were told to, never because you want to actually learn something.
College is for getting a job, not for getting an education. Just try to get through it without really understanding anything, but still pass all the tests. There will be a nice shiny little job waiting for you at the end of it. Take out student loans that dwarf both your mortgage and car payments combined. Pay for it by remaining a faithful servant to the monetary system that is built for your “pleasure” and “comfort.” Easy!
7. Sustain the system at all costs
This is the most important one of all. Here’s the thing: the system is important, plutocratic or not. It’s what keeps us fat, lazy, and happy. It must be maintained, because if it’s not, then all we have is the unknown. And the unknown is very, very scary (See #1).
Ignore what Morpheus tells Neo in the following statement: “The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you’re inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, and carpenters; the very minds of the people we are trying to save. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent upon the system, they will fight to protect it.”
You’re goddamned right we’ll fight to protect it! “Saved,” shmaved! Sustain the system at all costs, especially against those who tell you that it is an unsustainable, bloodsucking blight on the ecosystem. So what if it is. It’s the reason why we have all these things, things, things. It’s the reason why we’re not cavemen. So what if the world dies along with us? That’s in God’s hands…