A Loving Guide to Being Selfish in Relationships (Otherwise Known as How To and Not To Destroy Yourself)

“It’s literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed.” ~ Napoleon Hill

How Not to be Selfish (Or How to Destroy Yourself)

Having had some heartbreaks and having fallen prey to your conditioning that tells you to fear everyone, you distort the lies and make them your own. When others show you their weaknesses, you sweep them up, holding each one up to them in turn until the person who loves you is merely a shadow of their former self.

You are your own worst enemy in this and have got the method down to perfection.

Phase one:

You meet someone, you fall in love.

Phase Two:

having realized you really like this person and being in full knowledge of your dark corners; the skeletons in your closet and the general reasons why you don’t deserve love, you close down.

Here is where your shadow raises its hungry head – you lay at this person’s feet every sugar-wrapped falsity you’ve ever thought to conjure up about yourself. You convince them you’re an angel, only to buckle under the pressure when you can take it no more. The charade slips, and the monster comes out of its cage.

Phase Three:

Having realized you can no longer keep it up, you slowly but surely reveal to them your perceptions of the real you. You nit-pick their every fault. You make a fuss every time you go out and socialize together.

You reject every loving gesture they make in your direction and make excuses for it in your head; they didn’t really mean it, I can see the conviction waning behind their eyes, it happened this way before… now they mean it, but soon they won’t…

Phase Four:

You stop showing them how awesome they are and hide it from them, hoping others won’t see the same as you do – that they ARE amazing as you don’t want to share. You slowly suffocate them, seeing them as an object of possession, a reflection of how well you’re doing, a symbol to society that you have ‘succeeded’ and won’t be letting go of it in a hurry.

You criticize and play God with them, expertly burying your true feelings of fear, you patronize and control them, desperately scared of the day they will say enough of this shit and walk away.

zzzzsue_os_rotosPhase Five: Picking up on the fact that you are wearing them down you pick up speed, weaving your way into the pattern perfectly; you are a pro and won’t stop until you’ve destroyed every last scrap of purity about this one.

In fact you’ll make it worse than last time, because it isn’t until it gets really bad that it gets better – right?

You project every last demon in your inner being onto this person, then blame them when they reach in and show them to you. You become consumed in loathing for them (really loathing for yourself) and can no longer function, letting the flames eat away at both of you in tried and tested suffering every moment spent with them telling yourself – see, I told you it would happen like this, it always does.

How To Be Selfish (Or How Not To Destroy Yourself)

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” ~ Maya Angelou

Having had your heart broken many times before, you decide it’s time for a change. A real one. Having met someone you begin to fall in love and find yourself at the usual crossroads; the usual choices that you found yourself at before. So instead of projecting onto this person every fault and fear you have deep inside of you, you take responsibility, and don’t.

You remind yourself, every time you are with this person that they are not going to rescue you, and you are not them. Trusting and relying on your first impressions of them, you decide in good time whether or not they are right for you, rather than taking the first offer that comes along.

As the relationship moves on you accept the rule of impermanence and stay in the moment with them; dying to the past and each time you are reminded of the last relationship… and how it might’ve gone wrong.

il_570xN.350118545You accept they are human and not perfect. You openly discuss your problems together and if there is no way of living in harmony over some things you seek it out in others without feeling threatened about this.

You lift them up; not sucking up to them but reflecting back to them everything that is beautiful about them because you love yourself enough to know that this is good for you too.

You regularly give yourself time and space, not giving up the things you love but keeping hold of them, and the friends who saw you through the heart breaks because you value who you are and if they don’t like that, then they clearly don’t reciprocate.

Above all, you grow together. You enjoy the good time as well as the bad and enjoy seeing your partner grow through your many life challenges. You live every day as if you don’t really own them, that, as death takes life it could be gone at any time.

You don’t lean on them socially; you give them space to breath and do what you want without fail, never letting yourself resent them or speak badly of yourself. You say goodbye to old patterns and lose your memory. Yet make an effort and don’t get lazy. You love fully and breath life into that stitched up heart. You let it sing.

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Lauren Simpson-Green, who has had quite a few life-affirming spiritual experiences already, now passes her days trying to master one of the most challenging and rewarding spiritual experiences of all; being a mother to two children. Based in Devon, UK, she spends the rest of her time working on a children's book, practising yoga and making wool fairies and gnomes for her daughter's school fayres.


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