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How to Stop Micro-managing and Enable Healing?

Nikki Sapp
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How to Stop Micro-managing and Enable Healing?

“Ego says: Once everything falls into place I will feel peace. Spirit says: find peace and everything will fall into place.” ~ Marianne Williamson

If you’ve been interested in personal development, spirituality, energy work, or have been going through a consciousness awakening for a while now, you’ve probably met or most likely at one time or another you’ve been, “that person.” You know the one, the one that goes to every self-help retreat they can, knows all the “lingo,” and has been to every energy healer within a 10 mile radius from their house.

I would dare say most of us have been like this for bouts of time or even have never stopped devouring more and more teachings and methods since we first touched into our “true self.”

Understandably, once someone has a genuine experience of awakening or healing from an internal standpoint, it’s almost hard not to be excited and maybe even a little obsessed.

If you’ve gone years carrying around emotional burdens from your past, feelings of unworthiness or have always had an insatiable curiosity to find what our real purpose on earth is, and then all of a sudden you have an experience where you were able to heal deep wounds, or have experienced expanded states of awareness that felt nothing short of magical– it’s only natural that our appetite for more would ensue.

What you may have began to find as your healing or awakening process progressed is that the ego will find the sneakiest of ways to “be involved” in what we are doing. It loves nothing more than another role to play or an identity to attach to, so if our newest interest is self-help or healing, it will be right there ready with inspirational quotes to post, and ancient wisdom to dole out to any and everyone who seems even halfway interested.

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Image Sources:

Colorful art piece, woman in pain bu Vivien Szaniszlo
Eckhart Tolle quote, pic made by: Nikki Sapp

The Romantic Paradox of Healthy Detachment and Unconditional Love

Gary Z McGee
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The Romantic Paradox of Healthy Detachment and Unconditional Love

“True love is the complete victory of the particular over the general, and the unconditional over the conditional.” ~ Nassim Taleb

I do my loving like I do my fishing: catch and release. I am committed only to the love of freedom and to the love of letting the journey be the thing. No destination. No expectation. No condition.

There is pleasure in the “chase,” in the challenge, in letting the journey be the thing, in going with the flow and allowing for the natural progression of events to unfold. And there is immense pleasure in the “catch,” in making a connection, in the sharing of intimacy, in being love.

But I find no pleasure in keeping, owning, controlling, or trapping love. My love must be free, and so the freedom of others is also paramount.

A healthy non-attachment is vital to keeping romantic fires burning. My mind-body-soul tangles with another mind-body-soul in a uniquely beautiful, spiritual and mystical experience that lasts for a precious time. But then that time, that experience, must be surrendered to Impermanence. Lest the illusion of permanence taint the freedom of Love.

Love is a tightrope that all lovers must walk. Nothing is certain. Great risk is ever prominent. Vulnerability is the secret. Balance is the key. Both become self-actualized when the lover, in their daring tightrope walk over the abyss, can apply healthy non-attachment and unconditional love to the journey of love.

This is easier said than done, certainly. But, as Spinoza said, “all things excellent are as difficult as they are rare.”

No destination:

“There is no riskier risk than refusing to risk at all.” ~ Jen Sincero

The journey is the thing. We all know this idea, but few of us really understand it in our bones. Especially when it comes to love. When you apply the idea of “no destination” to romantic love, for example, the journey being the thing suddenly becomes a daunting and scary prospect.

But it doesn’t have to be. It just depends upon your perspective. If you’re coming at it from a disposition of “life is an adventure” and love and loving others is simply a part of that adventure, then it’s neither daunting nor scary. It’s daring and courageous to be Love.

It’s only when you come at it from a disposition of “I need to find the one” that you get caught up in your ego’s attachment to love and you put the unnecessary burden of perfection onto others. It’s daunting and scary to need love, to need to “find the one,” to need to be perfect. It’s healthier to simply be love.

If we can somehow manage to get out from underneath our ego’s attachment to love, and the unnecessary burden put on us by others regarding the way we “should” love (i.e. “finding the one”), then we can finally manifest freedom and begin to self-actualize love.

The journey is the thing for the sake of freedom and love. So that freedom and love can continue to be the case. So that neither freedom nor love are imprisoned by the ego’s attachment to a destination or a particular result.

No conditions:

“Close your eyes. Fall in love. Stay there.” ~ Rumi

Healthy love is the utter release of the conditional for the unconditional, of attachment for non-attachment. You can love a thing and let it be free. In fact, if you claim to love a thing but then do not allow it to be free, then you probably never really loved it to begin with.

Your ego may have been attached to the idea of love for a thing, but the only way to truly love a thing is to let go of your ego’s attachment to it. The concept of compersion strikes at the heart of this paradox.

Having compersion is being in a state of deep honesty with the human condition regarding the concept of love. It’s intermittently breathing in holistic love (being love) and breathing out egotistic love (carnal love).

Compersion is being brutally honest with yourself that you will probably not be the be-all-end-all (“the one”) for someone else. And that’s okay. It’s loving in a way that is genuine and without expectation. It’s allowing others to love the way they must love, even if their affection isn’t aimed at you. It’s letting go of your ego’s attachment to love and then being happy when a lover finds love, whether with or without you.

Because if you truly love them, and you are coming from a place of authentic non-attachment and being love, then you are going to want them to be happy whether that happiness comes from being with you or not.

Understand: There’s nothing wrong with carnal/egoic love. As with all things, moderation is key. Your ego’s attachment to love must not be repressed. It should be honored. It should be embraced. It should be felt deep in the bones of the soul. You must be brutally honest with yourself. But then it should be surrendered to impermanence, and to Love itself.

Repression will only lead to codependence, anxiety, unnecessary suffering, and depression. Surrender will lead to interdependence, openness, freedom, and compassion.

No expectations:

“Freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something—and it is only such love that can know freedom.” ~ Krishnamurti

Derek Chopra

The concept of non-attachment is tricky in and of itself. When you add love into the equation, it gets exponentially trickier. This is because we are conditioned by a culture that has convinced us that love is a thing that must be owned.

We are brainwashed by a culture that demonizes free, relationship-based, unconditional love. Our fragile egos have been hijacked by the idea that we are “the one” in search of “the one” (this is codependence). When, really, we are all “the one” in search of becoming One with all (this is interdependence).

Falling in love is both very easy and very difficult. It is easy when we are coming from a place of non-attachment and interdependence, but it is difficult when we are coming from a place of attachment and codependence.

It’s the difference between being Love, and vainly trying to pigeonhole love into the box of our expectation (whether cultural, political, or religious).

True love must be free. The problem is most of us are conditioned to treat love in an ownership-based way. Love becomes a product that we consume. It becomes a trade. But true love is relationship-based not ownership-based. It’s not a product but a way of being.

The less we cling to love, the more we realize that we never owned it in the first place. It was never a thing that could be owned. It could only have ever been free, or it was never really love at all.

So, let’s learn to be Love in the face of expectation. Let’s be Love despite the love that thinks it needs validation. Let’s be Love even when others cannot. That is the heart of healthy non-attachment.

Love authentically, let others love the way they must love, and then let go of your ego’s attachment to love. Do this, again and again, and the capacity for free, soul-centric, self-actualized love will not elude you.

Image source:

Artwork by Derek Chopra

6 Powerful Steps to Befriend Your Shadow and Let in the Light

Amy
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6 Powerful Steps to Befriend Your Shadow and Let in the Light

Bob Ross the painter, legend, and icon once said, “You need the dark in order to show the light.”

Another time, he was quoted saying “It’s hard to see things when you are too close. Take a step back and look.” These wisdom nuggets aptly encompass the nature of our shadow: it’s needed to know our light and the way we befriend our shadow is to look (be the observer).

March was an auspicious time to take a closer look at shadows. It’s likely the forces of Mercury retrograde and the spring equinox stirred up outdated beliefs, emotions, and behaviors that need to be released.

For those of you new to shadow work, briefly stating, it’s a process of accepting the parts of you that don’t fit into the neat, tidy box of your self-identity. Overtime, anything that doesn’t fit the self-image gets repressed which energetically blocks life force from flowing naturally.

For example, I grew up in a family who valued intellect and sarcasm over emotions. Thus, from an early age, I formed a self-image of Amy, the intelligent, sarcastic person. I deemed this trait better than being emotional because I wanted to fit in.

Slowly, I started to repress my emotions and have a strong aversion toward anyone I thought was ‘overly emotional’. By integrating my shadow into my being, I was able to allow myself to feel fully again.  

So, why should you befriend your shadow? Because it’s innocent. It’s actually your ticket to freedom, the friend who bails you out of jail. This jail is of your own making, a cage of self-image that keeps your soul trapped in a box.

Merriam-Webster defines shadow as, “Partial darkness or obscurity within a part of space from which rays from source of light are cut off…”. Your shadow helps you see what’s cutting off your light. The integration of it, allows the ego (self-image) to fade and light to come through.

So, let’s learn a process to befriend your shadow to invite more light in our lives…  

Step 1: Identify what your shadows are

befriend your shadow

A great exercise is to answer the following question: If you went on your social media, and someone said you are _____ (some quality, trait, behavior etc.), what could they say that would hurt the most and offend you?

For example, if I woke up to a comment saying that Amy girl is needy, I would feel resistance and anger. This is a clue that I have a shadow around being perceived as needy. Shadows usually work in pairs of opposites (yin/yang). Thus, if needy is my shadow, it is likely I want to be perceived as independent (which is true haha).

Most shadows have some aspect of judgement. Another question to ask yourself is: What in others do I judge? This question will help you gain clarity because usually what you judge is what you repress in yourself. For example, if I judged someone for being disorganized, it’s likely I’m repressing that trait and have a self-image of being an organized person.  

A quick tip is to take the enneagram test. It goes beyond identifying your personality type, it also captures what you might be repressing.

Step 2: What’s your response?

Abraham Hicks always says, words don’t teach, experience does. Thus, now equipped with the knowing of what your shadows might be, you can use your life experience as a testing ground. Notice when your shadow comes up, how do you respond? I’m simplifying for the sake of brevity but there are four basic responses: distract, project, repress, or accept.

To distract would look like drinking, getting an ice-cream, avoiding etc. Project is basically blaming others for how you feel. For example, if I think “Other people make me uncomfortable”, it’s likely the tension I feel around others is a reflection of how I perceive myself (I might have a low self-esteem).

To repress could be to identify the shadow as bad, and fight it (shove it down) or pretend it’s not there. Accept, is to allow the trait to be there and watch it pass and/or express it.

Step 3: Observe and/or Express

The healthy way to respond to our shadow is to observe and/or express. For example, I wanted to move into a new apartment but for various reasons didn’t have the funds to make a down payment that month.

I knew I had a shadow around being perceived as needy because I felt an aversion toward asking a friend to borrow money. It didn’t fit my self-image of an independent woman.

My response, was to first observe. I noticed the strong sensations of tension in the body and the story formulating that I was somehow less of a person for needing something. The shadow hates observation because as you witness, it can’t stay in your experience. The tense energy literally felt like it melted as I drew my attention to it.

Expression is another way to integrate the shadow. You express the part of yourself you cut off. In my case, I expressed my neediness and asked my friend for money. I say express AND/OR because sometimes the trait could be problematic to express.

For example, if you repressed a desire to be a sexual exhibitionist (having sex in public), it would be enough to observe the sensations and thoughts as they arise. Eventually, it would lose energetic power.

Step 4: Note the Results

Next, you want to notice how integrating the shadow makes you feel. In my case, I felt like I had my life force back. Before I integrated it, I had split energy. There was a strong identification with being independent and anytime neediness came up, I’d repress it. Now, when I need something, I am able to accept it into my experience and not judge it as right or wrong.

Step 5: Loving Kindness

The shadow has a lot of fear around it. Mainly a fear of being judged a certain way. A beautiful way to soothe fear is give it love and empathy. Thus, when I notice a shadow, I quickly say the mantra “I now release all judgements of myself and others.” These words ease the tension and remind me that there is no inherent right/wrongness, only a story that makes it seem so.

Step 6: Learn Shadow Language

Shadow work is a vast field. It’s difficult to summarize in one article. Thus, I highly suggest more research on the topic. That way, when you’re observing, you know what to observe.

Just like the Buddha said to watch your thoughts, emotions, etc., there are certain aspects of your shadow you should watch. The more you immerse yourself in the jargon of shadow language, the clearer you can see.

The shadow is a loyal friend because we need the good and bitter to be tested and go deeper into beingness. Every experience is our teacher that brings us home to our true nature. We collect the energy we splintered off and learn to surrender and accept it all (not just the parts we believe are good). Take your spiritual vitamins, my friends.

“I embrace my shadow self. Shadows give depth and dimension to my life. I believe in embracing my duality, in learning to let darkness and light, peacefully co-exist, as illumination.” ~ Jaeda DeWalt

Image Sources:
Art by Julia Grigorieva

Self-inflicted Therapy and the Power of Self-realization

Gary Z McGee
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Self-inflicted Therapy and the Power of Self-realization

“To find a mountain path all by oneself gives a greater feeling of strength than to take a path that is shown.” ~ Karen Horney

It is no easy matter understanding oneself. Self-realization is strenuous. It’s a lengthy process, arduous, painful, existentially upsetting. It’s a collision of agonies smashing into polarities. The self is not a fixed entity but a set of “intrinsic potentialities.” It’s masks all the way down perceiving illusions all the way up. And each individual self is more unique than a fingerprint.

The tricky part is that only you can experience these masks, agonies, polarities and intrinsic potentialities. Nobody else can experience them for you. They are subjective. Your experience of them will always be primary to anyone’s interpretation of them. Not even the best shrink in the world can know them as well as you can.

That’s what makes self-therapy, and the self-realization that comes from it, so important. Therapists are, at best, guides. Self-therapy is what a therapist directs you towards anyway. So, you might as well make that attempt to begin with.

A therapist is good for keeping you on track and preventing you from getting stuck, but there’s nothing saying you cannot learn strategies to do it yourself. That’s where self-therapy come in. That’s where self-inflicted therapy enters the scene to flip all scripts.

It’s a process of dauntless self-realization. It’s taking ownership of your own therapy. It’s a deep understanding of Terence McKenna’s advice: “You have to take seriously the notion that understanding the universe is your responsibility, because the only understanding of the universe that will be useful to you is your own understanding.”

Taking responsibility for understanding the depths of you, especially the way you perceive reality, is a vital step toward overall health and mental stability. But it requires courage. It requires questioning your worldview, your values, your relationships. It requires the ability to admit that you have been wrong about a great many things. No easy task.

Self-inflicted therapy cuts deep. It’s not comforting or pretend-forgiving. It’s ruthless and upsetting. Comfort zones are liabilities. Playing it safe is a psychological handicap. Remaining in the box is a prison sentence.

Self-inflicted therapy has three core strategies. Let’s break them down…

Self-interrogation

“In the act of provoking people to think differently, philosophers make it clear that we are not fated to live within the often-stifling systems of thought that we inherit. We can change the subject.” ~ Raymond Geuss

Self-interrogation is about digging down to the roots of the human condition, particularly your own conditioning. It’s a method that aggressively asks mind-opening, heart-expanding, soul-shocking questions.

It proactively outmaneuvers cognitive dissonance by staying one step ahead of sentimental emotion through a ruthless form of higher reasoning that never settles for answers. Instead, it tears them apart.

From the carnage, it honors what validates universal law and discards what doesn’t. But such honoring is still not an acceptance. Rather, it is a deep consideration for higher probability while still respecting the possibility of wrongness.

Self-interrogation turns everything inside out. It unconventionally twists the conventional by questioning to the nth degree. It nixes notions of certainty. Truth is elusive, but it is less elusive when you’re coming at it from more angles than those that you were conditioned to adhere to.

Solitude and meditation

“I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

Out beyond the things of man, beyond the status quo agenda, there is a state of intense solitude where you can become so completely isolated from all the layer upon layer of cultural conditioning that you’re able to fully realize the power of being connected to everything. It’s a place where you’re able to shed the superfluity of codependence and fully embrace the power of interdependence.Self Direction No 1 large

Heavy from aggrandized civilization, we go into nature seeking medicine. We discover it by simply being present (meditating) and embracing solitude.

In the wild, Truth and Mystery grow together, robustly entangled, speaking a language older than words. When the clanking machinery, blaring car alarms, and whining sirens fade away, our brains get lathered in this mysterious language and Nature’s medicine washes over us.

As Rumi powerfully stated, “There is a voice that doesn’t use words. Listen.”

Self-overcoming

“Mastery is an asymptote. You can approach it. You can home in on it. You can get really, really close to it. But you can never reach it. Mastery is impossible to realize fully.” ~ Daniel H. Pink

Enlightenment attracts precisely because enlightenment eludes. Like mastery, perfection, and completely understanding the Self, it can never be fully realized. But that’s okay. Because the journey is the thing.

Self-overcoming keeps the discovery of the Self from ever growing stagnant. It constantly overcomes the fixed and rigid self by embracing the flexible and adaptable self. It’s proactive about improving upon who you were yesterday.

It’s taking Nietzsche’s idea of the Overman and running with it. It’s a personalized Fibonacci sequence, where your own development is predicated upon an individualized progressive evolution that will ultimately contribute to the evolution of the species.

Self-overcoming is a vehicle that compels you to become robust and wise despite your inherently fragile and fallible nature. The ego wants to keep you safe in your comfort zone. But self-overcoming tears down that comfort zone and teaches the ego how to become a flexible tool of self-improvement rather than a rigid tool of self-preservation.

Self-overcoming is the daily act of letting your ego know who’s boss. It’s letting your ego know that you are awake to its syrupy placations. And no amount of comfortable coos and warming sentiments are going to lull you back to sleep.

The tables have been turned. In the poker game of the Self, you’ve called your ego’s bluff and now you’re holding all the cards. Your self-preservation has taken a back seat to your self-improvement. There’s an initiation at hand. Your ego is ready to become a mighty tool toward leveraging self-realization into self-actualization.

Image source:

Art by Eugenia Loli
Self-direction by CHENGXIANG SHANG

Does Self-Love Seem Difficult to You?

Nikki Sapp
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Does Self-Love Seem Difficult to You?

“Love and ego cannot go together. Knowledge and ego go together perfectly well, but love and ego cannot go together, not at all. They cannot keep company.” ~ Osho

Nothing gives me more joy than to see the revolution forming around the concept of “self-love.” Never before have we seen a time where we celebrated individuality, uniqueness, authenticity and creativity more than our current era.

So many people are connecting with people from different cultures much more readily, and the ability to access information, wisdom and knowledge is at the touch of our fingertips, we are coming into a time where the “free-thinkers” of society are beginning to give the middle finger to the societal programming that once told us we “weren’t enough.”

Unfortunately this revolution on self-love has had many of us actually feeling worse about ourselves. The reason being, no one has really taught us the true meaning and the actual way to authentically love ourselves.

On the surface, self-love can be understood as, “the things I like about myself (either in comparison to others or in comparison to what society has told me is “correct”), which then puts us in a space where we wonder, “ok so what about all the stuff I DON’T like about myself?”

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Image Sources:

Art by Rita Loyd
Flamingo pic, made by: Nikki Sapp
“Be Your Own Everything” Drawing: Artist, Francis Cannon
Quote by Tara Brach made by: Nikki Sapp

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