There was a time when I loved to dance in the rain. I would kick off my shoes, run into the street, and laugh while jumping into the puddles. I felt so carefree and weightless. The cold, wet drops didn’t bother me; the water was energizing and calming at the same time. One day I stopped dancing and stopped being free.
I let the negative world around me stop me from living the life I loved. Suddenly everything I wanted to do was not within my comfort zone. I slowly started to realize that I was trying to control everything around me.
My emotions were out of control and instead of finding a way to grasp on to them, to accept them and maintain them, I tried to banish them. But when we try to eliminate our emotions, it makes it worse.
I tried to forget that I had feelings. I ignored the anger by telling myself I didn’t have anything to be angry about and I did the same with depression. I would tell myself that I shouldn’t be depressed because I have everything I want and that made my depression worse.
As if I wasn’t worthy of feeling the way I felt. But it doesn’t have to always be valid. Not everything makes sense. I ended up isolating myself because I felt sad but treated it like taboo.
We can’t keep ignoring emotions
Because I tried to ignore it all, I started to mistreat the people around me. My reactions to life’s normal annoyances were pretty outlandish and I honestly didn’t even notice it for a long time. I trapped myself, taking everything out on the ones I loved, and was acting like a victim. And life just wasn’t fun anymore.
I had quickly created a bubble which I was afraid of escaping. I only heard and spoke the negative around me. I absorbed everyone’s energy, but none of it was good.
I admit that it took me a long time to realize that I was deserving of happiness and regular emotions. I built myself a wall of depression and anxiety and behind that wall I lived inside my bubble of anger and fear. It wasn’t until I realized how utterly alone I felt that I started to put the pieces together.
“If you suffer it is because of you, if you feel blissful it is because of you. Nobody else is responsible-only you and you alone. You are your hell and your heaven too.” ~ Osho
I believe when we are in a negative state of mind, we often know what can make us happy. A lot of times it is just replacing our doubtful thoughts with confident words of praise.
We know ourselves better than anyone else and yet there are so many people in the world that don’t take the time to condition their minds with self acceptance and love.
I know that it is often hard to look within and find that thing that burns your fire. Especially when we are stressed, depressed, or feeling lonely. I find it hardest to find what makes me happy when I am telling myself that I am sad.
And I find it harder when I tell myself I don’t deserve to be sad. I do have the things I have always wanted and from an outsider’s perspective, I should be happy. I stopped looking at what should be and focused on what is and realized I just needed to live instead of think.
I had a series of events take place within the last year that really opened my eyes. My mindset was on materials and consuming everything to make me happy. There was a little voice telling me that I needed more every single time I got what I wanted. Nothing was ever enough because I was simply trying to fill the void that I didn’t know existed.
Sometimes it is still hard to get up and redirect my thoughts and actions for the day and often times I struggle to respond gently and positively in life and to myself. I know that it’s what is slowly filling my void. I breathe deeper, I stretch longer, and I smile in the mirror often to remember I am simply human and for that we deserve freedom and happiness.
“The goal of meditation is not to get rid of thoughts or emotions. The goal is to become more aware of your thoughts and emotions and learn how to move through them without getting stuck.” ~ Dr. P. Goldin
We can all dance in the rain together. It is all about finding the balance within. You may need to recondition your mind, find what makes you whole again.
Self awareness through meditation and yoga or even just daily mantras can be very scary. But if we can get past the cold hard truth of ourselves, we can begin to love again by replacing the negative with the positive instead of trying to eliminate it altogether.
I have learned to respect the complaints within. I have learned to battle them with inner praises. The day I stopped trying to fix myself is when I learned to be free again.
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