Each one of us has the ability to write our own story, and our heart and mind are the main characters in it. When we deepen our understanding of the requisites of these characters, we can cultivate joy even during difficult times.
When we manage to cultivate joy in tough times, it acts like a soothing balm on our wounds, they are stepping stones for moving to a higher level of awareness.
Have you noticed that there are certain people who have the power to uplift you, and you feel energised in their presence? Why is that? I have come across mentors who carry a child-like quality that keeps them calm and composed when the times are rough. If we have the power to create most suffering, we also have the power to create more joy.
There are certain qualities that are needed to allow us to experience more joy.These qualities are universal irrespective of the field they belong to, what is a common binding factor is the inner work they have done, the darkness they have overcome to be able to shine like a beacon of light.
Let’s get straight into these qualities of the mind and heart that act like pillars to experiencing true joy, from the Book of Joy by the Dalia Lama and Desmond Tutu.
There are four qualities of the mind: perspective, humility, humor, and acceptance and the remaining four are the qualities of the heart: forgiveness, gratitude, compassion, and generosity.
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During my days as a teacher, a lot of emphasis was laid on doing inner work. The idea being when the teacher has done work on herself, it reflects in her work with children, as she becomes a role model, an idealistic personality striving towards becoming a better person..
Art – drawing, painting – is a therapeutic way to heal emotions and come to terms with difficult situations or to let go of the baggage that weighs us down.
There was a meaningful exercise we did to understand ourselves better and realign with our beliefs, values, etc., and it brought me closer to myself.
Let’s take a look at below is the Tree of Life exercise
The Tree of Life exercise
The Tree of Life exercise is based on using the tree as a metaphor to tell stories and experiences about one’s life. I invite you to try this out to reflect on your own life, to gain confidence in your own strengths and abilities, become aware of and acknowledge your dreams, and be okay to talk about difficult experiences and vulnerabilities.
The life of a tree has many parallels to the life of a human. While most of these similarities are physical, there are existential lessons to be learned from the physical as it is how we process and experience life.
Process:
Simply put, you draw a tree that represents you and your life.
You need a piece of paper, a pen, or color pencils / crayons, and a quiet space to carry out the exercise without any disturbance or interference.
Most importantly, let go of any preconceived ideas of how a tree should be, and even if you have qualms about drawing, drop it instantly, this is not a drawing class, but an expression of your life. Dive deep into this stress free, with an open heart and an open mind!
Allow me to guide you through the process –
The Roots
The Roots represent the strong influences, which have shaped you into the person you are. The roots of the tree show your origins – your city, town, village, country, your family name, ancestors, extended family, you can also include the names of people who have taught you the most in life which has shaped you.
The Ground
The ground is the place where you live now, and the activities you are engaged in your daily life – this can include your organizations, work place, movements or any community you belong to.
The Trunk
The trunk is an opportunity for you to write your skills, strengths and abilities, all the things you are good at.
The Branches
Here you write your hopes, dreams and wishes for the direction of your life. This can be personal or general – short or long term.
The Leaves
Write down the names of those who are important to you in your life in a positive, energizing and nourishing way. People, books, music, teachers, friends, family, pets, heroes, role models, everyone who nourishes you and inspires you on your path.
The Fruits
The fruits are our bountiful gifts to the world. It is the expression of nourishment and life force energy. These are your achievements, creations, contributions, sharings and important things. It can be projects or programs you have initiated, groups or organizations you have started or helped to develop, or books or poems you have written.
Flowers and Seeds
Write down the legacy you wish to leave behind for others on the flowers and seeds.
If you chose to make thorns – that represents the obstacles on your path.
In case you struggle to fill in any part, leave it and come back to it later. Take your time to draw this tree of life – it can take you around 20 to 30 minutes.
After completing this exercise for the first time, it left me with a lot of doubts and uncertainty about myself, because when you actually sit and write down all the things, it becomes clearer. I did struggle to write down certain things, and realised that I haven’t met some of the goals I had set for myself.
However, the beauty of this exercise is that you get a deeper insight into your own life – its all in front of you. There are always positives to take back. At the same time, it also made me realise the effort and work that you do is focused on bringing us to the present. The past is done with, the highs and lows, the ebbs and flow, were part of the story, which has shaped you into the person you are today, and the present moment is all you got to make your life worthwhile.
We are in a constant search for something – monetary gains, power, fame, a better house to live in, faster car, better phone, etc., it is a never-ending pursuit of happiness of sensory gratification.
This might give us happiness, but is that permanent? Can joy be away of being and not just a temporary feeling?
Diving deep into the true meaning of happiness and joy, Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu in the book, The Book of Joy, put forth a whole new perspective on cultivating true joy.
Dalai Lama elucidated, “Now if we look at today’s materialistic life people seem mainly concerned with sensory experiences. So that’s why their satisfaction is very limited and brief, since their experience of happiness is so dependent on external stimuli. For example, so long as the music is playing, they feel happy. When something good is happening, they are happy. Good food, they are happy. When these things stop, then they feel bored, restless, and unhappy. Of course this is nothing new. Even in the time of the Buddha, people would fall into the trap of thinking that sensory experience would bring them happiness.”
So how does one transcend this temporary experience and make joy a deeper state of being? Let’s look into the secrets to being in a state of joy
“…you have to pay more attention to the mental level of joy and happiness. Not just physical pleasure, but satisfaction at the level of mind. This is true joyfulness. When you are joyful and happy at the mental level, physical pain doesn’t matter very much. But if there is no joy or happiness at the mental level, too much worrying, too much fear, then even physical comforts and pleasure will not soothe your mental discomfort.”
The 4 circuits in the brain that lead to lasting wellbeing
According to the neuroscientist, Richard Davidson, there are four independent brain circuits that influence our lasting wellbeing. The first one is our ability to maintain positive states or positive emotions would directly impact one’s ability to experience happiness.The Dalai Lama and Tutu said that the fastest way to this state is to start with love and compassion.
This is a challenging one – it is difficult to maintain a positive mindset all the time, but if you become aware of the emotional triggers, you can consciously harness the monkey mind.
The second circuit that is responsible and independent of the previous state is, “our ability to recover from negative states.” You can be good at maintaining a positive state but easily fall in the trap of negativity. How soon you recover from the negative state is directly proportional to the amount of time spent on doing inner work. When I consciously make an attempt to keep a positive mindset, then the negativity, which is always lurking in the background, soon dissipates.
The third circuit, also independent but essential to the others, is “our ability to focus and avoid mind-wandering.” There are several different meditation techniques, yoga, and breathing techniques available that focus on calming the mind. I feel the environment too plays a role in maintaining sanity. When we went on a road trip recently to the mountains, the positive vibes of the place instantly rubbed off on me and I found myself bathing in tranquility.
There is a Chinese saying that goes: “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” For centuries, the greatest thinkers have suggested the same thing: Happiness is found in helping others.
The fourth and final circuit is “our ability to be generous.” Isn’t that amazing that there is an entire brain circuit, out of the four, devoted to generosity. It is no wonder that our brains feel so good when we help others or are helped by others, or even witness others being helped.
Experiments show evidence that altruism is hardwired in the brain—and it’s pleasurable.
Psychologists call this the Helper’s High, which is based on the theory that giving produces endorphins in the brain that provide a mild version of a morphine high.
Obstacles to Joy
A road is laden with obstacles, rocks and uneven paths, the same way on this path of experiencing joy, it’s the mind that can play tricks and how we react to events in our life that can cause unhappiness.
“We have perceptions about our experience, and we judge them: ‘This is good.’ ‘This is bad.’ ‘This is neutral,’” the Dalai Lama explained. “Then we have responses: fear, frustration, anger. We realize that these are just different aspects of mind. They are not the actual reality. Similarly, fearlessness, kindness, love, and forgiveness are also aspects of mind. It is very useful to know the system of emotion and to understand how our mind works.
“When a fear or frustration comes, we have to think, what is causing it? In most cases, fear is simply a mental projection. When I was young and living in Potala, there was an area that was very dark, and there were stories about ghosts there. So when I was passing through this area, I would feel something. This was completely a mental projection.”
So you have to ask yourself if your frustration is based on something real or is it just a projection of the mind? You have to observe whether it was certain circumstances that caused the person to be negative toward you, like you did something wrong to him in the past, then you realise your own part in the other person’s criticizing or attacking you, the intensity of your frustration and anger automatically reduces.
A regular check on your attitude is an important factor in determining the emotions you feel strongly against a person. This will eventually lead is also the way to cultivate compassion towards others.
Another obstacle on this path of growth and development is also self absorption, which has consumed so many of us.
“When we focus on our ourselves we are destined to be unhappy,” ~ Tutu
The fundamental secret of joy is going beyond our own self-centeredness. This shifts the focus from only thinking about oneself to developing what the Dalai Lama calls a ‘wise selfish attitude’.
He explained this further, “We have to take care of ourselves without selfishly taking care of ourselves. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we cannot survive. We need to do that.” This is what the Dalai Lama called wise selfishness rather than foolish selfishness.
“Foolish selfishness means you just think only of yourself, don’t care about others, bully others, exploit others. In fact, taking care of others, helping others, ultimately is the way to discover your own joy and to have a happy life. So that is what I call wise selfishness.”
Although joy is our natural state of being, one needs to cultivate the ability to experience joy. Joy is not in the context of living happily ever after, but to move beyond our own pain and suffering, and be available to others. The more we turn toward others, the more joy we experience, and the more joy we experience, the more we can bring joy to others.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ” ~ Carrie Fisher
There are situations and events in life which make you unhappy, maybe you didn’t like the way the other person treated you, spoke with you or behaved with you. The mind instantly jumps into this negative spiral of resentment and bitterness towards the person or the people responsible.
When a negative feeling like resentment takes hold of you, it pulls you into a whirlpool of emotions like anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, and so on. It can suck the energy out of you, and leave you feeling completely drained.
To cope with this, you end up eating too much, drinking too much, not sleeping well at night, trying to think of ways of seeking revenge and making the other person pay for it. The only one you are hurting in the process is yourself because the concerned person might not even be aware of it.
Why is letting go of resentment tough?
Like with most negative thoughts, letting go is difficult as you hold on to it for dear life. Sometimes, it is also because you are so used to feeling that way, that it becomes a familiar feeling to hang on to.
You feel right to judge a person or situation, which is okay. It might seem unfair and unjust to you, but you fail to realise that it is like drinking poison, expecting the other person to suffer.
Here are some ways to let go of resentment for your own sake
“Let today be the day you stop being haunted by the ghost of yesterday. Holding a grudge & harboring anger/resentment is poison to the soul. Get even with people…but not those who have hurt us, forget them, instead get even with those who have helped us.” ~ Steve Maraboli
Acceptance
Acceptance is a very powerful antidote to heal oneself. Acceptance is empowerment, it is not a sign of weakness or failure, it is a sign of transformation. When you accept what happened, you are taking conscious steps to move on and not be dragged into the melodrama of the mind.
You are the creator of your emotion, you are responsible for every emotion you experience in your body. Resentment is a negative feeling, and you are creating this feeling. Observe the situation for what it is, and find out why you are creating this negative feeling.
Don’t get dragged into the quagmire of confusion and despair, don’t see yourself as a victim, but as a challenging situation which you have to navigate through.
Confront the situation or the person
There was a situation which I can recall with a former colleague and friend. There was a misunderstanding due to lack of communication between us and I had developed feelings of resentment because I thought she never shared things from her personal life like a normal friend would.
I would only come to know about it later on that she went here and this is what had happened.
I stopped talking to her, ignored her when we went for a conference together. Until the opportunity came and I mustered up the courage to confront her. Things did iron out, as she shared what had happened, and she communicated openly.
This whole incident made me realise that resentment is a downer, it messes up our mind, throws happiness out of the window and makes you feel extremely low.
So you either go up to that person and clear things out, or accept the way things are and move on, because your life is far more than just holding onto resentment.
Live in the Present
“When I am sharply judgmental of any other person, it’s because I sense or see reflected in them some aspect of myself that I don’t want to acknowledge.” ~ Gabor Maté
You always live your life either in the past or worrying about the future, while the present is the only thing you have. It is like driving your car only looking at the rear view mirror, what good is that?
You might end up banging into some other car which is right in front of you. Whereas if you are focused on what is in front of you, you will be able to stay in the moment with more clarity and focus instead of a tainted perspective.
Living in the present will also help you to gain a better understanding of the person involved in the situation. Maybe the person had a tough morning, or was having financial difficulties, or maybe she snapped at you at work because she found out her husband was cheating on her, it could be anything.
This is what life is about, learn the lessons, develop empathy and compassion. It is a very difficult pill to swallow, but moving on is the only way the car is going to stay on the road.
Let go because you care about yourself
Letting go is tough, because you may feel like you are giving up or letting the person off the hook. The problem with resentment or any negative feeling is that it affects you more than the person you are holding the resentment against.
Letting go allows you to finally move forward with your life without any sort of guilt or losing power. Resentment gives you a false sense of power and control, but how can a negative feeling lead to any sort of power? You are not living your truth. Why do you want to carry your burden of resentment for the rest of your life?
This is when you cut the string, and free yourself. Use this as an opportunity to rise to your true spiritual self. The ball is in your court.
Move on positively, even if it seems unfamiliar
Yes, you read that right. It is easy to hold on to a ‘feeling’ because it is so familiar that you are used to it. In order to move on, you have to overcome this obstacle.
Here’s a beautiful analogy. If someone dumps garbage in front of your door, and you wake up to that. It will be normal to get upset, and really angry at the person who has done that. You might end up abusing him as well. Now, will you wait for the person to take out the trash or are you going to step up and move the garbage away so you can move out of your house?
Do you want to live your life stuck in a situation? Or you move out the trash so you can get out of the house and live. What sounds tempting? This is taking charge of your life, being responsible for your feelings and taking control of your thinking.
You are the navigator of your life, obstacles will come and go, keep rowing the boat. Situations will never always be the way you would like them to be, but what you can do is control your reaction to that situation, you can control your own thoughts and your own emotions.
A lot of this boils down to the inner child, who always wants his way. You have to reparent your inner child, and make him understand that the world doesn’t work that way.
“Compassion arises when you recognize that all are suffering from the same sickness of the mind, some more acutely than others … The mind-identified state is severely dysfunctional. It is a form of insanity. Almost everyone is suffering from this illness in varying degrees. The moment you realize this, there can be no more resentment. How can you resent someone’s illness? The only appropriate response is compassion.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
“If you can’t tell your story to another human, find another way: journal, paint, make your grief into a graphic novel with a very dark storyline. Or go out to the woods and tell the trees. It is an immense relief to be able to tell your story without someone trying to fix it. The trees will not ask, “How are you really?” and the wind doesn’t care if you cry.” ~ Megan Devine, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand
