“Society tames the wolf into a dog. And man is the most domesticated animal of all.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche
Society Tames the Wolf into a Dog
Transcending the Tendency to Protect our Vulnerabilities
Our survival instincts have gone through a major change over the years. The basic needs like food, clothing and shelter are more or less taken care of for many. So our protective energies are focused on defending the individual psychologically, rather than physiologically. This has brought about a big change in our lives, because now we are focused on protecting our ideologies, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies, rather than ourselves.
Like a deer that runs for its life when it sees its predator, the moment we experience our fears, insecurities and behavioral patterns being threatened, we withdraw into a shell or close down. It is not due to any physical danger, but when we feel challenged, it leads to feelings of fear, insecurity, or emotional turbulence, and then arises a need to protect our ego.
How often do we find ourselves trying to protect our vulnerabilities?
When someone passes a comment on the way we look, our job, or something about our life, it brings up certain unpleasant thoughts. All this keeps building up inside.
“Most of us don’t have to worry about food, clothing, or shelter, we have the luxury of worrying about a spot on our pants, or laughing too loud, or saying something wrong. Because we’ve developed this hypersensitive psyche, we constantly use our energies to close around it and protect ourselves. But this process only hides the problems; it doesn’t fix them. You’re locking your illness inside yourself, and it will only get worse.” ~ Michael Singer
The Untethered Soul : The Journey Beyond Yourself
The longer we live like this, the more closed we become and the more scattered we feel. Like when we say, “he hit me where it hurts the most,” these are soft, vulnerable parts of us that we keep protecting.
How do we get rid of those scared parts of us? How do we liberate our mind from living in a shell?
Here are 5 ways to overcome our tendency to protect ourselves
The secret to letting go – breaking down the process
“It’s not a matter of letting go—you would if you could. Instead of ‘Let it go,’ we should probably say ‘Let it be.’” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn
Letting go is easier said than done. You might have read numerous articles on letting go – of your old habits, of your thought patterns, of your fears and so on. Letting go is a process in itself. It’s much more than just cleaning your closet and clearing up the clutter.
We have to view the situation wearing a different lens to get a different perspective. We have to forgive ourselves and others involved in the situation, because any inner work begins by forgiving. Spending time alone with our own thoughts and feelings, helps us to get in touch with those sensitive parts of us that we are defending so much.
Working on releasing stuck emotions, so we can think clearly.
All of the above doesn’t mean we will be able to let go in an instant and will feel free. It takes time, a long time, sometimes, to get in touch with those weak spots, to actually work on them and grow beyond them. It is a constant and gradual process.
Develop awareness
When somebody says something and you feel uncomfortable about it, you feel the energy getting a bit strange inside or feel some tightening, then become aware about it. Feel it. That is the time for you to grow, instead of resorting to defence mechanisms, you become aware to avoid getting pulled into the negative loop.
Many times we just ignore when unpleasant things come up on a daily basis. We move on to the next stimulation, and then the next. It keeps accumulating until you feel all messed up. When you become aware of it, you are moving forward on the path of self growth. From this space of awareness, you can work on overcoming them.
Be centered
For example – you see your friends doing very well in life, going on holidays and they seem happy. While you might not have the funds to go on holidays.
You begin to sulk, you begin to think that I need to get a better job that pays well, or should I sell this and make some bucks, so I could also go on a holiday. Your mind takes you on a roller coaster ride and you are all scattered.
When you feel centered, you just go about your business, unfazed with whether you’re going on a holiday or not, and put your whole being into whatever’s happening in the moment, instead of putting your whole being into your personal sensitivity.
“If you aren’t centered, your consciousness is just following whatever catches its attention. You can just sit in the seat of consciousness and let go. A thought or emotion emerges, you notice it, and it passes by because you allow it to. This technique of freeing yourself is done with the understanding that thoughts and emotions are just objects of consciousness. When you see your heart start getting anxious, you are obviously aware of this experience.” said Singer
The one who is aware about it, is the consciousness, the Soul, the Self, the one who sees. The changes you experience in your inner energy flow are simply objects of this consciousness. The more you concentrate on it, they become charged with energy and power. This is why thoughts and emotions get stronger when you give them more attention.
If you want to be free, then every time you feel any change in the energy flow, relax behind it. Don’t resist it, or try to change it, or judge it. Simply relax and release!
Work on your willpower
Will is what keeps the world moving, it is one of the important aspects in our existence. If we aren’t willing to do something, it is not going to happen no matter how strong we are, or how powerful or able we are. Something as simple as walking, happens because we are willing to move from one place to another, or eating healthy is a test of our willpower. These are the basic human functions, so you can imagine that in order to let go, we need to have a strong will to transform our unhealthy habits into healthier ones.
When we “will” there is always something deeply, unconsciously present in the activity. Every time we are consumed by the need to defend ourselves when someone puts you down or says something nasty, we can feel the energy moving and being drawn into it. We have to develop the will to not get pulled into that energy.
It just takes a moment of conscious effort to decide that you’re not going there. We just let go. It’s simply a matter of taking the risk that you are better off letting go than going with the energy. When we’re free from the hold the energy has on us, we will be free to experience the tremendous joy that lies within us.
Take small steps
Begin with small things. We tend to get bothered by the little, meaningless things that happen every day. Like when someone unnecessarily blows their horn behind you, when there’s nothing you can do, and in an instant we experience a shift in energy and begin to curse under our breath or flip them the bird.
The moment you feel a change, remember to relax your shoulders and relax the area around your heart. Don’t focus on getting bothered, shift your focus on being free. “I am not going to react.”
When we learn to remain centered with the smaller things, we will see that we can also remain centered with the bigger things.
We might succeed at having a new way of reacting, and of letting go, but there will also be days when we fall right back into it. Don’t worry. Keep going at it. The pull into the negative whirlwind is going to be constant, your willingness to let go and release has to be constant too. These energies aren’t bad or impure, or once you let go doesn’t mean it won’t keep coming up, but your reaction to it would have changed.
“There’s a place deep inside of you where the consciousness touches the energy, and the energy touches the consciousness. That’s where your work is. From that place, you let go. Once you’ve let go, every minute of every day, year after year, then that’s where you’ll live. Nothing will be able to take your seat of consciousness from you. You’ll learn to stay there. After you’ve put years and years into this process, and learned to let go no matter how deep the pain, you will achieve a great state. You will break the ultimate habit: the constant draw of the lower self. You will then be free to explore the nature and source of your true being— Pure Consciousness.”
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Gaining Freedom from the Known ~ Stepping into the Unknown
We live under this notion that we are free, either because we have the monetary power, freedom of choice, freedom to choose a job, freedom to travel wherever you wish etc. we tend to choose whatever reason we think fits into our frame of ideologies and the way we perceive the world.
We follow certain spiritual gurus, read some philosophy, conform to a certain ideology, lead a mechanical life, so every form of philosophy is merely an escape from reality, is that actually freedom? We lead a dual life between the ideology of a system and the actuality of our daily existence. In trying to conform to the ideology we suppress ourselves.
We want to be free from painful unhappy experiences. Is it freedom when we are free from pain, and free from anxiety? Or is freedom something entirely different? There is a tendency in us to put up with things, to get used to them, blame it on circumstances, or blaming others for any kind of disturbance in our own lives.
We can be free from dogma, but the desire to be free from a dogma can also be because it’s no longer fashionable or convenient. When we say we are free from something it is a reaction and that will bring about another reaction which leads to another conformity and another form of domination. But it is not freedom…
“We live in fragments – we are one thing in the office and the other at home, you talk about democracy but in your heart you are autocratic. We have really looked at ourselves. We explain things away or we are frightened to look. When we look totally, then there is no room for fear. It seems to me that most of us are not aware of what we are talking about, not only the environment but the colours, the shape of the trees, the clouds, the movement of water, perhaps because we are so concerned about ourselves, our own pleasure, our pursuits that we aren’t objectively aware. We aren’t aware of the outward or inward things.” ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti
Freedom from the Known
Why aren’t we really free? Here are some of the reasons why freedom is an illusion of the mind
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5 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship With Yourself
“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” ~ Mark Twain
Toxic, haven’t we all heard that word before. For anything to turn toxic requires negligence, ignoring repeated patterns, or denying them altogether. Toxicity in life takes time to build, you may receive repeated hints in the form of behavioral patterns that are ignored, and this is when it reaches a level where it becomes toxic.
When that toxicity creeps into one’s own relationship with oneself it becomes a cause for concern. Self care is important to stay sane and at peace with oneself, it’s the words we speak to ourselves that becomes a part of who we are.
We are so busy taking care of others at times or even our daily tasks that somewhere we put our own needs on the backburner.
How do we know whether the relationship with ourselves is turning toxic?
Here are 5 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship With Yourself
You are hard on yourself
Every time you make a mistake or things something goes wrong, you blame yourself. “It is because of me that I didn’t get through the interview, or this relationship didn’t work. I am not good enough.”
The negative self-talk, criticising yourself all the time makes it difficult to move forward on a path of self-realisation. Accepting responsibility is one thing but wallowing in it is harmful and toxic. This behavioral pattern is often the result of our childhood, when some of our emotional needs were not met.
Imagine a child crying or upset because they a made mistake, what words of comfort will you have to offer? You will probably say, “Don’t worry, we all make mistakes, we learn from them,”
Similarly, when you make mistakes, you have to use the same tone, the same words to soothe that inner child who has always been ignored and neglected, to understand him and acknowledge his presence.
Instead of being stuck in a negative self-talk loop, dive deep down and see where this negativity stems from. Do the inner child work. Learn to forgive yourself. Embrace your imperfections. It is okay to go wrong and to falter, learn from your mistakes and focus on improving yourself rather than wallowing in it.
You find it difficult to say ‘NO’
““The oldest, shortest words— “yes” and “no”— are those which require the most thought.” ~ Pythagoras
“Can you do this for me please,” and your response is “Yes,” even if deep down you know it will take more time to finish that particular task.
You say yes either out of fear of jeopardizing your relationship, or you are worried about the impact it might have on your future prospects, or what will other people think, whatever the reason may be, learning to say no is setting healthy boundaries.
Society operates on this belief that in order to progress you have to please people, it’s like you scratch my back and I scratch yours, that itself works from a place of selfishness and egoism. Remove the veil, step out of this illusion, you are only fooling yourself. Recognise that saying no doesn’t make you self centered, it only means you are standing up for yourself.
You might genuinely want to help but not at the cost of your own mental and emotional peace. Take care of yourself. Learn to express your feelings or thoughts as you are only protecting your own sanity and your integrity.
You seek validation
“You will never gain anyone’s approval by begging for it. When you stand confident in your own worth, respect follows.” ~ Mandy Hale
The need to seek validation stems from your childhood where you might have been heavily criticised by your parents, teachers, family members etc., and that gave rise to feelings of not being good enough. As a result you seek validation from external sources, “have I done this right? Should I do it this way?” and so on.
You have lost the ability to trust yourself and make your own decisions.
When you feel the need to seek others’ approval, you are actually holding yourself back from doing tasks that you personally find meaningful. You feel out of alignment with your own values and beliefs, yet you ignore them. This toxicity can be extremely draining, because it is separating you from your true self.
You may like to read these are 5 reasons you should stop seeking other people’s approval
“Because one believes in oneself one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself one doesn’t need others approval. Because one accepts oneself the whole world accepts him or her.” ~ Lao Tzu
You have low self-esteem
Having low self esteem is when you are judging your worth, and feel – “I am not good enough,” and “I am not worth it.”
In most cases, low self esteem stems from your childhood when a loved one – either a parent, grandparent, teacher, aunt etc., said something that implied rejection or you interpreted it that way. This triggers feelings of low self-worth, being over critical of your actions, comparing yourself to others and having low self confidence.
You start looking for others to make you feel confident and boost your self esteem. You don’t realise that it is you who creates these feelings and you aren’t the victim of it. As a child you aren’t emotionally self responsible because you are still dependent on others, but as an adult you have a choice to update your belief system and not operate from that same debilitating mindset. When was the last time you updated your belief system?
Reparenting your inner child will help you heal those emotional wounds and help you let go of this toxic relationship you have with yourself.
You keep giving
As an old saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” In life there are two very important gestures – giving and receiving – both are required to be able to maintain a healthy relationship.
“The universe operates through dynamic exchange . . . giving and receiving are different aspects of the flow of energy in the universe. And in our willingness to give that which we seek, we keep the abundance of the universe circulating in our lives.” ~ Deepak Chopra
A lot is based on the intention with which you give – Are you giving from a place of love? Or are you giving out of compulsion? Are you giving hoping you get something back? Or giving without expectation?
When the intention becomes clear in your mind, giving becomes energizing, it opens your heart and becomes a very liberating experience.
However, when you keep giving (not in terms of material gains) in a relationship, for example, and you feel drained, then it becomes unhealthy and toxic.
Either you have really high expectations that lead to disappointment or resentment or the other person doesn’t value the amount of time, for example, you invest in a relationship and take you for granted. Sometimes you give out of obligation or as a favour, then giving becomes a burden and nothing else.
Be wise, don’t pour from an empty cup, remember to replenish your energy.
“I have long struggled with self-love. I strive, each day, to be kinder to myself and to value my worth. And I know I’m not alone.” ~ Maya Angelou
In most cases, the above mentioned signs of toxic behaviour with yourself comes from childhood, the foundational years that sets the tone of our life. The past is gone, it’s up to us to not be defined by it. There is always a choice to update your childhood programming, like the software that needs regular upgrading, our beliefs too need to be upgraded and our inner child needs to be acknowledged and loved.
“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” ~ Rupi Kaur
Self love is the key here. The moment you begin to spend time with yourself, love yourself, and nurture your relationship with yourself, you will notice things beginning to change – in terms of negative self-talk, your behaviour with yourself and the toxicity will soon fade away.
As David Lees puts it, “The words you use are the bricks you build your house with.” Choose wisely and hold space for yourself, because you deserve it!
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Art by Guilherme Gomes
How Childhood Trauma Affects Your Adult Relationships
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~ Stephen Chbosky
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I have yet to come across someone who hasn’t witnessed some sort of trauma in their childhood, but I have met many who don’t talk about it. Dysfunctional patterns passed down over generations doesn’t correct the behavior, no matter how many generations have carried them forward.
In the past, I have written about my trauma and the effects it has on adults. Today, we’re going to take a look at how childhood trauma affects your adult relationships.
Our own marital relationship
When Bhavika and I got married over a decade ago, there was one thing we both were sure of, we did not want to have a relationship like how our parents had with each other. Both of us come from homes that had too many fights, screaming and shouting and both of us wanted to strive to ensure a more peaceful environment.
But after living the first few years with someone you truly begin to see each other, when the glossiness of fresh love fades. We had our share of fights, screaming, shouting, banging doors and the works, but what it made us realize is no matter how much we wanted things to be different the patterns that have been been passed down during our childhood, are far easier played out than what one desires.
Each one of us had our own set of issues that we brought to the table, but both of us wanted to grow and work on our selves to become better.
“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood ― establishing independence and intimacy ― burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships. She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.” ~ Judith Lewis Herman
Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror
Your relationship with your children
One of the most fruitful, difficult and challenging parts of human life is parenting. Children know how to push your buttons and when buttons are pushed we tend to react the way we have subconsciously picked up from our parents – how they spoke to us, acted with us is ingrained in our subconscious mind as generational curses or blessings, depending on how they handled the situation.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” ~ James Baldwin
Especially when you’re angry, if you pause and notice how you have reacted to your child’s behavior, many a time you would find that you are acting exactly how your father or mother reacted or treated you.
Even when you aren’t triggered, if your father or mother weren’t around much, you may find it hard to bond with your own children. Sometimes even drowning yourself in other mundane activities like work, socializing or even entertaining yourself on your phone or in front of the TV rather that creating healthy connections.
“Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them. ~ Bill Ayers
Your relationship with your parents
“Parenthood…It’s about guiding the next generation, and forgiving the last.” ~ Peter Krause
It was only recently when I was close to my 40’s that I opened up with my parents about some of the things that I never liked about their parenting style. To be honest 30 years ago there was no knowledge apart from what people were handed down or experienced, information wasn’t as accessible as it is today. Everyone just keeps following the hand me down style of parenting unless they are in touch with their inner child to guide them on this journey.
For many years and till date, my conversations are surface level conversation, a little bit about work but nothing that nourishes me. They would still like to control the role my children play in society, religion has to be followed and all the milestones there achieved, relatives have to be met and actively participate in functions etc.
While this maybe achievable for many, personally, I like my own space and enjoy meeting strangers far more than family on travels, there seems to be a difficulty in them understanding my own boundaries and this makes me interact even less.
Your relationship with your self
One of the worst issues with childhood trauma is it leaves you feeling like you’re lacking or not enough to receive the attention and love you deserved as a child. This leads to issues where you lack self-worth, or grow up to have feelings of insecurity or self-love.
This can have detrimental effects in terms of relationships, you tend to think abuse is normal in terms of relationships as well as the self. Addiction to substances, sex, or even gaming can be used as coping mechanism, self-harm does not come into the picture when you find yourself worthy.
How childhood trauma affects every relationship ~
The effects of childhood trauma can be seen in every relationship, with friends, work colleagues, people we meet and even strangers. People who have suffered from trauma when they are children seem to have some of these signs, if not all. Most of this is based on my own personality and some of it is backed by research ~
You’re easily triggered or too passive
“Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory.” ~ Bessel Van Der Kolk
I have a bit of both, when it comes to my own child-parent relationship I observe that tiny things can sometimes trigger behavioral patterns that have been handed down, but when it comes to certain circumstances which are unpleasant, where most people would exit, I tend to stay a little longer than expected.
For example, even though situations may upset me, I don’t express myself, it can be as random as people getting into a queue out of turn when I have been waiting for a while, this is very common in our country, but I let it pass at times rather than standing my ground.
You could be too clingy or a lover of solitude
If you have not received the attention you need when you’re a child you can end up craving for attention as you grow up. While some may find themselves at the polar opposite of this by not interacting with anyone, because you feel that they will either end up hurting or using you.
Do you build yourself a cocoon to keep yourself safe, create a comfort zone where you feel protected? This then makes other people have a tough time trying to connect with you, simply because you don’t want to let them in to your space. On the other hand, feelings of insecurity can make you cling onto your idea of love, that has been formed by your experiences and what you have seen while growing up.
Although you may have wanted a Knight on a white horse, you put up with your abusive partner for the little scraps of love they have to offer when they feel like.
“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” ~ Oscar Wilde
You repeat patterns
“First your parents, they give you your life, but then they try to give you their life.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk
A child learns behavioral patterns not by what is taught, but what they experience. So the first few years of their life, their environment plays a major role as to how things turn out in their adulthood. When I get triggered by something my children do, I realized that the instant reaction is exactly how my father or mother would have with me.
To pause and react isn’t easy when you’re triggered, to acknowledge and accept that these patterns are a problem that can cause more harm than good is even more difficult. Take the time to reflect on how you corrected your child, or how you reacted when someone honks at you at the signal, only when you notice these patterns is when you can retune and adjust your behavior.
Ways childhood trauma destroys your relationships and what to do about it
As traumatized children, we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves as adults. ~ Alice Little
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