Blog ~ Page 23 of 348 ~ Fractal Enlightenment

Gaining Freedom from the Known ~ Stepping into the Unknown

Bhavika

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March 9, 2023

Gaining Freedom from the Known ~ Stepping into the Unknown

We live under this notion that we are free, either because we have the monetary power, freedom of choice, freedom to choose a job, freedom to travel wherever you wish etc. we tend to choose whatever reason we think fits into our frame of ideologies and the way we perceive the world.

We follow certain spiritual gurus, read some philosophy, conform to a certain ideology, lead a mechanical life, so every form of philosophy is merely an escape from reality, is that actually freedom? We lead a dual life between the ideology of a system and the actuality of our daily existence. In trying to conform to the ideology we suppress ourselves.

We want to be free from painful unhappy experiences. Is it freedom when we are free from pain, and free from anxiety? Or is freedom something entirely different? There is a tendency in us to put up with things, to get used to them, blame it on circumstances, or blaming others for any kind of disturbance in our own lives.

We can be free from dogma, but the desire to be free from a dogma can also be because it’s no longer fashionable or convenient. When we say we are free from something it is a reaction and that will bring about another reaction which leads to another conformity and another form of domination. But it is not freedom…

“We live in fragments – we are one thing in the office and the other at home, you talk about democracy but in your heart you are autocratic. We have really looked at ourselves. We explain things away or we are frightened to look. When we look totally, then there is no room for fear. It seems to me that most of us are not aware of what we are talking about, not only the environment but the colours, the shape of the trees, the clouds, the movement of water, perhaps because we are so concerned about ourselves, our own pleasure, our pursuits that we aren’t objectively aware. We aren’t aware of the outward or inward things.” ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti
Freedom from the Known

Why aren’t we really free? Here are some of the reasons why freedom is an illusion of the mind

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J Krishnamurti by D Walton

5 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship With Yourself

Self-Actualization

Bhavika

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March 3, 2023

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5 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship With Yourself

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” ~ Mark Twain

Toxic, haven’t we all heard that word before. For anything to turn toxic requires negligence, ignoring repeated patterns, or denying them altogether. Toxicity in life takes time to build, you may receive repeated hints in the form of behavioral patterns that are ignored, and this is when it reaches a level where it becomes toxic.

When that toxicity creeps into one’s own relationship with oneself it becomes a cause for concern. Self care is important to stay sane and at peace with oneself, it’s the words we speak to ourselves that becomes a part of who we are.

We are so busy taking care of others at times or even our daily tasks that somewhere we put our own needs on the backburner.

How do we know whether the relationship with ourselves is turning toxic?

Here are 5 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship With Yourself

You are hard on yourself

Every time you make a mistake or things something goes wrong, you blame yourself. “It is because of me that I didn’t get through the interview, or this relationship didn’t work. I am not good enough.”

The negative self-talk, criticising yourself all the time makes it difficult to move forward on a path of self-realisation. Accepting responsibility is one thing but wallowing in it is harmful and toxic. This behavioral pattern is often the result of our childhood, when some of our emotional needs were not met.

Imagine a child crying or upset because they a made mistake, what words of comfort will you have to offer? You will probably say, “Don’t worry, we all make mistakes, we learn from them,”

Similarly, when you make mistakes, you have to use the same tone, the same words to soothe that inner child who has always been ignored and neglected, to understand him and acknowledge his presence.

Instead of being stuck in a negative self-talk loop, dive deep down and see where this negativity stems from. Do the inner child work. Learn to forgive yourself. Embrace your imperfections. It is okay to go wrong and to falter, learn from your mistakes and focus on improving yourself rather than wallowing in it.

You find it difficult to say ‘NO’

““The oldest, shortest words— “yes” and “no”— are those which require the most thought.” ~ Pythagoras

“Can you do this for me please,” and your response is “Yes,” even if deep down you know it will take more time to finish that particular task.

You say yes either out of fear of jeopardizing your relationship, or you are worried about the impact it might have on your future prospects, or what will other people think, whatever the reason may be, learning to say no is setting healthy boundaries.

Society operates on this belief that in order to progress you have to please people, it’s like you scratch my back and I scratch yours, that itself works from a place of selfishness and egoism. Remove the veil, step out of this illusion, you are only fooling yourself. Recognise that saying no doesn’t make you self centered, it only means you are standing up for yourself.

You might genuinely want to help but not at the cost of your own mental and emotional peace. Take care of yourself. Learn to express your feelings or thoughts as you are only protecting your own sanity and your integrity.

You seek validation

“You will never gain anyone’s approval by begging for it. When you stand confident in your own worth, respect follows.” ~ Mandy Hale

The need to seek validation stems from your childhood where you might have been heavily criticised by your parents, teachers, family members etc., and that gave rise to feelings of not being good enough. As a result you seek validation from external sources, “have I done this right? Should I do it this way?” and so on.

You have lost the ability to trust yourself and make your own decisions.

When you feel the need to seek others’ approval, you are actually holding yourself back from doing tasks that you personally find meaningful. You feel out of alignment with your own values and beliefs, yet you ignore them. This toxicity can be extremely draining, because it is separating you from your true self.

“Because one believes in oneself one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself one doesn’t need others approval. Because one accepts oneself the whole world accepts him or her.” ~ Lao Tzu

You have low self-esteem

Having low self esteem is when you are judging your worth, and feel – “I am not good enough,” and “I am not worth it.”

In most cases, low self esteem stems from your childhood when a loved one – either a parent, grandparent, teacher, aunt etc., said something that implied rejection or you interpreted it that way. This triggers feelings of low self-worth, being over critical of your actions, comparing yourself to others and having low self confidence.

You start looking for others to make you feel confident and boost your self esteem. You don’t realise that it is you who creates these feelings and you aren’t the victim of it. As a child you aren’t emotionally self responsible because you are still dependent on others, but as an adult you have a choice to update your belief system and not operate from that same debilitating mindset. When was the last time you updated your belief system?

Reparenting your inner child will help you heal those emotional wounds and help you let go of this toxic relationship you have with yourself.

You keep giving

As an old saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” In life there are two very important gestures – giving and receiving – both are required to be able to maintain a healthy relationship.

“The universe operates through dynamic exchange . . . giving and receiving are different aspects of the flow of energy in the universe. And in our willingness to give that which we seek, we keep the abundance of the universe circulating in our lives.” ~ Deepak Chopra

A lot is based on the intention with which you give – Are you giving from a place of love? Or are you giving out of compulsion? Are you giving hoping you get something back? Or giving without expectation?

When the intention becomes clear in your mind, giving becomes energizing, it opens your heart and becomes a very liberating experience.

However, when you keep giving (not in terms of material gains) in a relationship, for example, and you feel drained, then it becomes unhealthy and toxic.

Either you have really high expectations that lead to disappointment or resentment or the other person doesn’t value the amount of time, for example, you invest in a relationship and take you for granted. Sometimes you give out of obligation or as a favour, then giving becomes a burden and nothing else.

Be wise, don’t pour from an empty cup, remember to replenish your energy.

“I have long struggled with self-love. I strive, each day, to be kinder to myself and to value my worth. And I know I’m not alone.” ~ Maya Angelou

In most cases, the above mentioned signs of toxic behaviour with yourself comes from childhood, the foundational years that sets the tone of our life. The past is gone, it’s up to us to not be defined by it. There is always a choice to update your childhood programming, like the software that needs regular upgrading, our beliefs too need to be upgraded and our inner child needs to be acknowledged and loved.

“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” ~ Rupi Kaur

Self love is the key here. The moment you begin to spend time with yourself, love yourself, and nurture your relationship with yourself, you will notice things beginning to change – in terms of negative self-talk, your behaviour with yourself and the toxicity will soon fade away.

As David Lees puts it, “The words you use are the bricks you build your house with.” Choose wisely and hold space for yourself, because you deserve it!

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Art by Guilherme Gomes

How Childhood Trauma Affects Your Adult Relationships

Self-Development

Clyde

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February 20, 2023

1

How Childhood Trauma Affects Your Adult Relationships

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~ Stephen Chbosky
The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I have yet to come across someone who hasn’t witnessed some sort of trauma in their childhood, but I have met many who don’t talk about it. Dysfunctional patterns passed down over generations doesn’t correct the behavior, no matter how many generations have carried them forward.

In the past, I have written about my trauma and the effects it has on adults. Today, we’re going to take a look at how childhood trauma affects your adult relationships.

Our own marital relationship

When Bhavika and I got married over a decade ago, there was one thing we both were sure of, we did not want to have a relationship like how our parents had with each other. Both of us come from homes that had too many fights, screaming and shouting and both of us wanted to strive to ensure a more peaceful environment.

But after living the first few years with someone you truly begin to see each other, when the glossiness of fresh love fades. We had our share of fights, screaming, shouting, banging doors and the works, but what it made us realize is no matter how much we wanted things to be different the patterns that have been been passed down during our childhood, are far easier played out than what one desires.

Each one of us had our own set of issues that we brought to the table, but both of us wanted to grow and work on our selves to become better.

“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood ― establishing independence and intimacy ― burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships. She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.” ~ Judith Lewis Herman
Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

Your relationship with your children

One of the most fruitful, difficult and challenging parts of human life is parenting. Children know how to push your buttons and when buttons are pushed we tend to react the way we have subconsciously picked up from our parents – how they spoke to us, acted with us is ingrained in our subconscious mind as generational curses or blessings, depending on how they handled the situation.

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” ~ James Baldwin

Especially when you’re angry, if you pause and notice how you have reacted to your child’s behavior, many a time you would find that you are acting exactly how your father or mother reacted or treated you.

Even when you aren’t triggered, if your father or mother weren’t around much, you may find it hard to bond with your own children. Sometimes even drowning yourself in other mundane activities like work, socializing or even entertaining yourself on your phone or in front of the TV rather that creating healthy connections.

“Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them. ~ Bill Ayers

Your relationship with your parents

“Parenthood…It’s about guiding the next generation, and forgiving the last.” ~ Peter Krause

It was only recently when I was close to my 40’s that I opened up with my parents about some of the things that I never liked about their parenting style. To be honest 30 years ago there was no knowledge apart from what people were handed down or experienced, information wasn’t as accessible as it is today. Everyone just keeps following the hand me down style of parenting unless they are in touch with their inner child to guide them on this journey.

For many years and till date, my conversations are surface level conversation, a little bit about work but nothing that nourishes me. They would still like to control the role my children play in society, religion has to be followed and all the milestones there achieved, relatives have to be met and actively participate in functions etc.

While this maybe achievable for many, personally, I like my own space and enjoy meeting strangers far more than family on travels, there seems to be a difficulty in them understanding my own boundaries and this makes me interact even less.

Your relationship with your self

One of the worst issues with childhood trauma is it leaves you feeling like you’re lacking or not enough to receive the attention and love you deserved as a child. This leads to issues where you lack self-worth, or grow up to have feelings of insecurity or self-love.

This can have detrimental effects in terms of relationships, you tend to think abuse is normal in terms of relationships as well as the self. Addiction to substances, sex, or even gaming can be used as coping mechanism, self-harm does not come into the picture when you find yourself worthy.

How childhood trauma affects every relationship ~

The effects of childhood trauma can be seen in every relationship, with friends, work colleagues, people we meet and even strangers. People who have suffered from trauma when they are children seem to have some of these signs, if not all. Most of this is based on my own personality and some of it is backed by research ~

You’re easily triggered or too passive

“Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory.” ~ Bessel Van Der Kolk

I have a bit of both, when it comes to my own child-parent relationship I observe that tiny things can sometimes trigger behavioral patterns that have been handed down, but when it comes to certain circumstances which are unpleasant, where most people would exit, I tend to stay a little longer than expected.

For example, even though situations may upset me, I don’t express myself, it can be as random as people getting into a queue out of turn when I have been waiting for a while, this is very common in our country, but I let it pass at times rather than standing my ground.

You could be too clingy or a lover of solitude

If you have not received the attention you need when you’re a child you can end up craving for attention as you grow up. While some may find themselves at the polar opposite of this by not interacting with anyone, because you feel that they will either end up hurting or using you.

Do you build yourself a cocoon to keep yourself safe, create a comfort zone where you feel protected? This then makes other people have a tough time trying to connect with you, simply because you don’t want to let them in to your space. On the other hand, feelings of insecurity can make you cling onto your idea of love, that has been formed by your experiences and what you have seen while growing up.

Although you may have wanted a Knight on a white horse, you put up with your abusive partner for the little scraps of love they have to offer when they feel like.

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” ~ Oscar Wilde

You repeat patterns

“First your parents, they give you your life, but then they try to give you their life.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk

A child learns behavioral patterns not by what is taught, but what they experience. So the first few years of their life, their environment plays a major role as to how things turn out in their adulthood. When I get triggered by something my children do, I realized that the instant reaction is exactly how my father or mother would have with me.

To pause and react isn’t easy when you’re triggered, to acknowledge and accept that these patterns are a problem that can cause more harm than good is even more difficult. Take the time to reflect on how you corrected your child, or how you reacted when someone honks at you at the signal, only when you notice these patterns is when you can retune and adjust your behavior.

Ways childhood trauma destroys your relationships and what to do about it

As traumatized children, we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves as adults. ~ Alice Little

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Art by Vaida Bogdan

7 Buddhist Principles to Help Transform the Human Soul

Self-Development

Gary Z McGee

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February 7, 2023

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7 Buddhist Principles to Help Transform the Human Soul

“To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others.” ~ The Buddha

Buddhism has been humbling individuals for thousands of years. In Buddhism, it’s understood that conquering attachment begins with conquering the self. In this sense, Buddha was individuating before individuation was cool. He was self-actualizing before self-actualization was even a thing.

Nonsecular, spiritual, open minded, disciplined, skeptical, curious, and courageous, Buddhism has it all.

In the spirit of conquering the self and transforming attachment into non-attachment, here are 7 Buddhist principles to help transform the human soul.

The self is an illusion

“The self is a house on fire. Get out quickly.” ~ The Buddha

If the self is a house on fire, then non-attachment is the exalted air once you’ve escaped.

Although the self is a necessary illusion, you must still guard against the attachment to your desire regarding the self (egoism). Mindfulness meditation is a great aid in this endeavor. It clears the mind, calms the body, and opens the spirit to receiving interconnectedness.

When you’re able to strip away the brainwashed ego and the cultural conditioning, the world appears as it is—interconnected. This sense of interconnectedness will give you a direct conduit to the interdependent magic of the cosmos. And when you can tap into this magic, it transforms the way you see and interact with the world.

In a state of healthy non-attachment, you will realize that the self is nothing more than masks all the way down perceiving delusions all the way up. Your non-attachment frees you from the masks as well as the delusions. This creates a liberated state of fearlessness.

Be undaunted

“There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.” ~ The Buddha

Having liberated your mind-body-soul from the illusion of the self, you become a force of nature (cosmos/universe/infinity) first, a person second. You become unafraid, undeterred, undaunted. You become the tip of the spear, the sharpened edge of the Golden Ratio. The road to truth opens wide before you.

You take the first step onto the path, and the lessons learned from your deep meditations and healthy non-attachment teaches you one profound truth: always keep the Truth Quest ahead of the “truth.” The delicious irony of it all compels you forward. There is no end-state. There is no final destination, no absolute truth, no shiny heaven or fiery hell, no enlightenment, no concrete answers. The only thing is the Truth Quest.

You understand deeply, profoundly, intensely, that idleness is poison for a seeker of truth. So, undaunted, you go all the way.

Balance is the key

“To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.” ~ The Buddha

Live a balanced life. This requires diligence and discipline. Understanding what the Buddha taught is an important part of that discipline.

The foundation of Buddhism is the Four Noble Truths:

1.) Dukkha: The truth of suffering: Life is suffering.

2.) Samudaya: The truth of the cause of suffering: Suffering is due to attachment.

3.) Nirhodha: The truth of the end of suffering: Attachment can be overcome.

4.) Magga: The truth of the path that frees us from suffering: Follow the Eightfold Path.

The Eightfold Path:

1.) Right View or Right Understanding: Insight into the true nature of reality.

2.) Right Intention: The unselfish desire to realize enlightenment.

3.) Right Speech: Using speech compassionately.

4.) Right Action: Using ethical conduct to manifest compassion.

5.) Right Livelihood: Making a living through ethical and nonharmful means.

6.) Right Effort: Cultivating wholesome qualities and releasing unwholesome qualities.

7.) Right Mindfulness: Whole body-and-mind awareness.

8.) Right Concentration: Meditation or some other dedicated, concentrated practice.

Then there are the four virtues. Also referred to as the brahmaviharas or the four immeasurables. They include:

1.) Metta: Loving-kindness.

2.) Karuna: Compassion.

3.) Mudita: Empathic Joy.

4.) Upekkha: Equanimity.

The effective cultivation of these disciplines will bring balance to your mind, body, and soul.

Guard against dogmatism

“If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.” ~ Linji Yixuan, ninth-century Chinese Buddhist

Cultivate the four noble truths, practice the eightfold path, embody the four virtues, but remain vigilant. Because even these can lead to dogmatism if you don’t also practice non-attachment. Never believe you have the answers. Keep humor ahead of hubris and curiosity ahead of certainty.

So, why kill Buddha if you meet him on the path? Because any Buddha claiming to be the Buddha is false. Any Tao claiming to be the Tao is not the eternal Tao. Similarly, you should kill any notion of self-mastery in order to continue improving your mastery; so as not to get stuck, or hung-up on your expertise.

“Entertaining a thought without accepting it” is the essence of Buddhist non-attachment. Having this ability is empowering because it keeps the human mind in an open flow relationship with reality. It keeps the mind sharp and elastic regarding its relationship with cosmos.

A mind that can observe, creatively question, and then let go of the “answers,” is a mind that is less likely to get trapped in rigid constructs of thought.

Seek the middle way

“The middle path does not go from here to there. It goes from there to here.” ~ Jack Kornfield

From potential to actual enlightenment there lies the Middle Way. The Middle Way is about wholeness, not enlightenment. It’s about being, not becoming. It’s recognizing that we are all a mighty pivot between attachment and aversion, between being and non-being, between form and emptiness, between free will and determinism.

The Middle Way pierces through the veil. It is absolute balance between opposites, neither leaning toward extremism nor nihilism. It’s epically centered. Proactively non-delusional. Excruciatingly whole.

As Sogyal Rinpoche said, “You don’t actually “become” a buddha, you simply cease, slowly, to be deluded. Being a buddha is not being some omnipotent spiritual superman but becoming at last a true human being.”

Be your own authority, think for yourself

“If you adopt an idea or perception as an absolute truth, you close the door of your mind. Attachment to views, attachment to ideas, attachment to perceptions are the greatest obstacles of truth.” ~ The Buddha

No matter where you go, there you are. Therefore, authentic non-attachment begins with honoring the self as a sacred pivot of perception. Before you can properly detach from the illusion of self, you must first accept that it is a very necessary illusion.

You must become your own authority. Doing so will honor your perception as a unique individual. It will free you from the tethers of society, unbind you from your cultural conditioning, and break the spell of your ideological indoctrination.

As Aristotle said, living in the same era as the Buddha, “Be a free thinker and don’t accept everything you hear as truth. Be critical and evaluate what you believe in.” The Buddha echoed something eerily similar from the other side of the world, “Doubt everything. Find your own light.”

Both of them were speaking toward the great importance of “entertaining a thought without accepting.”

The journey is the thing

“It is better to travel well than to arrive.” ~ The Buddha

Traveling well is being healthy, disciplined, and compassionate along the path. But it is also treating life like a glorious quest: a quest for adventure (the hero’s journey), a quest for truth (the search for knowledge and wisdom), a quest for beauty (appreciating and creating beauty).

“Arriving” will take care of itself. Focus on traveling well. The destination is overrated when the journey is the thing. And, as a bonus, the destination has a higher chance of being great the more you focus on the journey.

Make the journey the prize. When you’re focused on the journey as the prize, you’re rewarded no matter how it turns out. And you’re more likely to be doubly rewarded when it turns out well. In the game of life, the only real destination is death anyway.

So, keep going. Never settle. Stay flexible. Keep the Truth Quest always ahead of the “truth.”

As the Indian proverb states, “Life is a bridge, cross over it, but do not build a house on it.”

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Buddhist Principles

5 Signs you Grew up with an Emotionally Immature Parent

Conscious Parenting

Bhavika

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January 30, 2023

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5 Signs you Grew up with an Emotionally Immature Parent

The first seven years of our childhood are the foundational years where the child’s so-called BIOS, or the subconscious mind, or the habitual mind, takes shape. The events and occurrences, be they traumatic or joyous, that take place during these 7 years shape one’s life.

“It is very important that during these early years a child should be surrounded by noble-minded, generous-hearted and affectionate people with good thoughts, for these stamp themselves on the child’s inner life. Example, therefore, in thought and in feeling is the best means of education at this stage. It is not what we say but what we are that influences a child during his first seven years.” ~ Rudolf Steiner, At the Gates of Spiritual Science – Lecture VI: The upbringing of children.

You can imagine the magnanimity of raising human beings. All said and done, it is a huge challenge. Being a parent doesn’t require any qualifications, but a willingness to constantly do the inner work because parents are their children’s role models, children seek guidance, love, warmth and affection from them.

However, there are times when parents themselves need healing, to shed off unwanted layers and dysfunctional behavioral patterns that stemmed from their own childhood. Emotionally immature parents frequently parent from a place of early abuse or rejection by their own parents. Many emotionally immature parents are unable to “grow” beyond their own childish demands and self-centeredness, possibly because they were abused or neglected as children.

Perhaps they were not allowed to express their thoughts and feelings for healthy emotional development to take place. This limits their ability to regulate their own emotions in their adult life. The vicious cycle continues and this behaviour passes on to the future generations too until something drastic is done about it.

Here are 5 signs you grew up with an emotionally immature parent

“You may wonder why all children don’t make up wonderfully positive role-selves—why so many people are acting out roles of failure, anger, mental disturbance, emotional volatility, or other forms of misery. One answer is that not every child has the inner resources to be successful and self-controlled in interactions with others. Some children’s genetics and neurology propel them into impulsive reactivity instead of constructive action. Another reason negative role-selves arise is that it’s common for emotionally immature parents to subconsciously use different children in the family to express unresolved aspects of their own role-self and healing fantasies.” ~ Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

You struggle to regulate your emotions

Emotionally immature parents are enclosed within the cocoon of their own minds and therefore aren’t available to give the attention and affection their child needs. They are unable to process their emotions and break old patterns in order to overcome their emotional immaturity.

This behaviour makes the child question himself, and it makes him feel like he has done something wrong. The child is not capable of comprehending the reality, what he witnesses

becomes a part of his personality.

“Young children are not cognitively capable of sorting out the complexities of your ‘bad days’, unresolved trauma or ancestral patterns. They see your emotions and behaviours simply as a real-time reflection of how you feel about them.” ~ Missy Willis

While the truth is that the parents have been struggling to cope with their own mental/ emotional state, and the child is at the receiving end.

You develop victim mentality

“The parent-child connection is the most powerful mental health intervention known to mankind.” ~ Bessel van der Kolk

Grew up with an Emotionally Immature Parent

Emotionally immature parents find it challenging to raise an emotionally healthy child. The lack of attention and communication becomes a traumatic experience for the child and leads to feelings of self-doubt.

As a result, one develops a negative mindset, where the child feels that nothing is working out for them in life. In my childhood, I have felt victimized and wallowed in self-pity, “why me,” “why does this keep happening to me (whenever things went wrong),” and all the self-doubt questions kept popping up, because I never learned how to handle different human emotions in a healthy manner.

You are forced to grow up before your time

After my father passed away when I was 17 years old and about to enter senior college, my mother was too emotionally disturbed to cater to our (my sister and I) emotional needs. The circumstances were such that we had to carve our own path, be our own guide and compelled to make our own decisions.

In such a case we grew up before time, before we were even emotionally mature of taking big decisions in life.

Now as an adult I can say I have grown up to be capable and responsible, it has been a long arduous journey of healing, there are still several parts of me that need extra care and attention. However, it’s an ongoing process, and I am a work in-progress.

You harbor low self-esteem

When the caregivers or parents are so busy sorting out their own emotional woes, it makes it difficult to motivate yourself to strive for more, and imagine that you deserve more when your parents don’t seem interested in how you go about things in your life.

In my case it always seemed that parents weren’t really interested in developing our skills or pushing us to achieve goals or work on a hobby. The environment was always unpleasant at home apart from the time we went out with family friends etc.

This led to feeling unacknowledged, unimportant, and developed timidness and low self-esteem.

You become overly dependent in relationships

When a child sees the adults in his environment not regulating their emotions in a healthy way, that often leads to chaos in a child’s mind. Trying to wrap their innocent mind around it takes a toll on their emotional well-being, making them feel insecure. A young child needs protection and security while growing up and a lack of it makes the child insecure.

In this whole scenario of protecting myself, I realised over the years that I had built a wall, restraining my unhealed emotions from coming to the surface. When I got into a serious relationship, a lot of these unhealed emotions created havoc earlier on, I had frequent meltdowns, panic attacks, was stuck in a loophole, constantly harboring a negative mindset.

I started maintaining a journal to vent out my feelings, that gradually helped me to tackle these emotions along with other healing modalities that helped clean the mess. In retrospect, I have come a long way to become an emotionally balanced parent for our 3 children.

The long road to healing

According to the author of The Courage to be Disliked, traumatic experiences in childhood cannot be a reason to not change to a better version of yourself.

“No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”

We cannot let the past dictate our present or even our future. Childhood events are deeply rooted in our subconscious, and it manifests in strange ways in our relationships with others. If you become aware of your own patterns, triggers, then maybe, just maybe, you can slowly and gradually untie the knots in your subconscious that will allow you to flow freely in life.

Letting go and forgiveness are the anchors to help us sail through choppy waters until we find stillness deep within our being.

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The heart of a father

Fractal Enlightenment

Why aren’t we really free? Here are some of the reasons why freedom is an illusion of the mind

Here are 5 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship With Yourself

You are hard on yourself

You find it difficult to say ‘NO’

You seek validation

You have low self-esteem

You keep giving

In the past, I have written about my trauma and the effects it has on adults. Today, we’re going to take a look at how childhood trauma affects your adult relationships.

Our own marital relationship

Your relationship with your children

Your relationship with your parents

Your relationship with your self

How childhood trauma affects every relationship ~

You’re easily triggered or too passive

You could be too clingy or a lover of solitude

You repeat patterns

Ways childhood trauma destroys your relationships and what to do about it

In the spirit of conquering the self and transforming attachment into non-attachment, here are 7 Buddhist principles to help transform the human soul.

The self is an illusion

Be undaunted

Balance is the key

Guard against dogmatism

Seek the middle way

Be your own authority, think for yourself

The journey is the thing

Here are 5 signs you grew up with an emotionally immature parent

You struggle to regulate your emotions

You develop victim mentality

You are forced to grow up before your time

You harbor low self-esteem

You become overly dependent in relationships

The long road to healing

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